My buddy is a big boy now

When I look at the faces of my children my heart is full. Konner has been my little boy for 3 years now. I love this little person. Kaylin and I got home about an hour ago from dropping Konner off for his very first big boy visit at Grandma's. He wants so bad to be a big boy and believes without a doubt that he is. He told Kaylin today "My a big boy. You're a baby. You has to go home wis mommy!"

Mike and I have only ever left our kids behind twice. The first time was when Konner was 6 months old. We couldn't take him on the cruise with us so he stayed with my friend for that week. I called every day on our vacation and had a $500 cell phone bill that month!! The second time was a year ago when we went to Utah for Mark and Amanda's wedding and and Jim and Becky's sealing. We only left them behind because we couldn't find anyone available to take with us to watch the kids during each ceremony. Again I called daily. But other than these 2 experiences, my kids go where I go. So whenever my sister has asked to have Konner for a week, no has been my answer!

It started about 2 weeks ago. Konner has been difficult to say the least. He's been angry, he's been ornery to me, he has totally ignored anything I tell him, and he has been talking back to me. I don't know if this is normal behavior or not. (Please anyone who has been through this let me know!!) Two weeks ago was a whole week of misery. I cried daily. I found myself responding in ways that made me cry all the more. And no matter how much I told him I loved him and loved it when he was sweet and helpful, he was still not being nice. What happened to my sweet hearted baby? So I called my sister after a week of this. I asked her to have him for a visit and I cried and cried.

This past week, he has actually been a little better behaved and a little less angry. I asked him what he needed to feel better. I asked him if he needed more time with mommy. He said "Yah. And daddy too. You, me and daddy. But not Kaywin!!" I think I may be getting to the heart of what is going on with him....

Mike and I talked and we decided that it would be good for Konner to get a "big boy" visit with his grandma and aunt and cousins. We also decided that it would be good for me to get some sleep!! So I have spent the past week preparing him for his big boy visit at grandma's. And every day he has been very eager to go, but he has wanted to me stay with him. I have explained that I need to come back home but that I would be back to pick him up in a few days. So we headed up to my mom's last night. This afternoon Kaylin and I were getting ready to leave and I told Konner that Kaylin and I had to go home but he gets to stay and have his big boy visit and asked him if he wanted to stay. He shocked me and said he wanted to stay ( he always wants to be with me). So I hugged him and kissed him and told him I loved him so much and that I would be back to pick him up in a few days, and I told him to have fun. He stood outside with my sister and niece and nephews and waved good bye to me as I drove off. Immediately my heart ached. I missed him already. I mean I do not even leave the kids over night with their dad, they go with me!! So 5 minutes after I left I called my sister to see how he handled my leaving. She told me that as soon as I turned the corner he wanted down and shouted "Come on Austin!! Let's go play cars!!" I called Mike and told him that Kay and left and were on our way home. Then I started bawling and wanted to go back and get him. Mike reminded me that we miss him but it is only for a few days and he got to go visit cousins when he was a kid (but at age 3???) and this will be good for Konner. Am I stupid for aching and missing him and crying when it was my idea in the first place to let him go visit his grandma, aunt and cousins?