2009 was a rough year for me and my family. You've seen those depression commercials that say depression affects the whole family, right? Well it is so true. It especially affects the spouse.
January 8th, 2009 I had just reached 37 weeks in my pregnancy when I was in a car accident. I was stopped at a light and was hit from behind when a truck didn't stop. Immediately contractions started, and an hour later in the hospital my water broke. I had Kylie several hours later. After a few days in the hospital, Kylie and I went home to pack up and move! 3 weeks after Kylie was born she was hospitalized with pneumonia. While in the hospital, she came down with colic. And that lasted for 5 months!!!
When Kylie was released from the hospital she was still wheezing. The Dr told me that her lungs were scarred and she would grow out of the wheezing by the time she reached 6 months. At 6 months she was still struggling with wheezing and was diagnosed with asthma. And a couple of months ago was sent home with a nebulizer for breathing treatments. She's had a rough life so far, but has been such a sweetheart and good baby.
When Kylie reached 4 weeks old, I thought I was pretty dang lucky for escaping Post Partum. My friend Stephanie pointed out to me that I may have just been so busy and preoccupied with taking care of Kylie and her needs that it just hadn't hit me yet. When Kylie was about 5 1/2 weeks old I started crying. I was stressed. I couldn't function with 3 kids!! Konner and Kaylin were so busy and so active, and Kylie was so cranky with colic and she kept wheezing. I was so tired. I would lay down on the sofa and Konner and Kaylin would get into EVERYTHING. They ruined most of my make up and ground it into the carpet. They covered themselves in my lotions and soaps. Kaylin colored on multiple walls. And they weren't listening to me at all.
By mid February I was crying regularly and yelling at my kids daily. By the end of February I was crying and yelling at Mike. Anything that upset me caused me to be angry with Mike. If my kids were difficult and out of control I was angry with Mike. If someone hurt me, I was angry with Mike. The more time that went by the more I cried, the more I yelled, and the angrier I got with Mike. By March, just looking at Mike made me angry. I was miserable and I hated my life. I wanted to escape somehow. I dreaded each day.
By May, I went to see my Dr and told him that I thought I might be experiencing some post partum. He put me on Prozac and Xanax, and when I told him how angry I was with my husband he put a rush on an authorization to get me in to see a psychiatrist. I had never seen a psychiatrist before so it was a new experience for me. He asked me why I was there. I told him "Because I think something is wrong with me. I have always loved my husband, but I can't look at him anymore without feeling hate and anger." The psychiatrist changed my meds to Zoloft and Activan. I used to fear the thought of losing him, but all of a sudden I no longer cared if we were together or not. I started sleeping on the sofa and suggesting that he leave me. And through it all I cried and cried. I started resenting my children and just wanted to die. The only thing that kept me from hurting myself was my children. I was so mixed up.
By August I was having multiple dizzy spells a day and taking 3 or 4 Activan a day, but crying even more and feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. So the Dr changed my meds to Lexapro. Now that stuff made me crazy. I was screaming at my kids and screaming at my husband. I wanted a divorce. The more I screamed at these people that deep down I knew I loved, the worse I felt. Every day was a chore to get through. In July we had moved in with a couple that I have known all my life and she has always been like an aunt to me. Mike had lost another job due to budget cuts and we couldn't support ourselves. Our bills weren't being paid. Mike was stressed over money. And I was...............crazy. I couldn't hurt myself because of my kids but I wanted to just not be alive anymore. I started taking diet pills again. And I was screaming mean hurtful things at my poor husband, who no matter what didn't deserve such hate and anger. I just couldn't shake the feelings of being sad and hating my life. I felt like I was drowning and there didn't seem to be anything I could do. I didn't have any energy. I wasn't motivated. I couldn't bring myself to do anything productive. All I wanted to do was cry. It caused tension in the house with the couple we live with. The more I sensed they were unhappy with us and me, the more depressed I got, and the more I cried. I felt all the more alone, because I was distant and angry with my husband, my friendships seemed to no longer exist so much, and there was so much tension with the one woman who has always been there for me and has meant almost as much to me as my grandma did. I started hoping I would have some kind of break down and put in a hospital (for those of you who know me well know how much I hate hospitals!). All I wanted to do was be left alone to sleep and cry.
By Novemeber the Dr changed my meds back to Prozac and Xanax. By December I was starting to have desires again, and I started to care more. I started to want to be more positive. I wasn't crying as much and I seemed to have a handle on my anxiety a little bit better. By January 2010 I am not yelling at my kids so much, we use a sticker chart system now. We are back on a schedule. I'm not yelling at my husaband, and I am so grateful he didn't leave me. I love him so much. I enjoy being with him again, I enjoy cuddling with him again. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want to ever experience it. He's a good man and wonderful father. And I am so thankful that he stuck by me through this past year. It makes me love him so much more. And it makes me so grateful to my heavenly Father who watched out for me in that dark time and somehow kept my husband with me.
Post partum is real, and it can be scary. This past year was so scary for me. I felt so out of control and so lost. And now that I am feeling better I can look back and see that time for what it was. I am trying to be a better mother, and wife, and friend. Hopefully I am. I just want to give some insight to those of you who have seen the change in me this past year. I hope you can now see that I am on my way back to being the real me.
Steph, I want to thank you for being the only friend who saw that I was drowning and needed someone. I want to thank you for loving me enough to not desert me when I needed someone. I love you. Where would I be without you?
January 8th, 2009 I had just reached 37 weeks in my pregnancy when I was in a car accident. I was stopped at a light and was hit from behind when a truck didn't stop. Immediately contractions started, and an hour later in the hospital my water broke. I had Kylie several hours later. After a few days in the hospital, Kylie and I went home to pack up and move! 3 weeks after Kylie was born she was hospitalized with pneumonia. While in the hospital, she came down with colic. And that lasted for 5 months!!!
When Kylie was released from the hospital she was still wheezing. The Dr told me that her lungs were scarred and she would grow out of the wheezing by the time she reached 6 months. At 6 months she was still struggling with wheezing and was diagnosed with asthma. And a couple of months ago was sent home with a nebulizer for breathing treatments. She's had a rough life so far, but has been such a sweetheart and good baby.
When Kylie reached 4 weeks old, I thought I was pretty dang lucky for escaping Post Partum. My friend Stephanie pointed out to me that I may have just been so busy and preoccupied with taking care of Kylie and her needs that it just hadn't hit me yet. When Kylie was about 5 1/2 weeks old I started crying. I was stressed. I couldn't function with 3 kids!! Konner and Kaylin were so busy and so active, and Kylie was so cranky with colic and she kept wheezing. I was so tired. I would lay down on the sofa and Konner and Kaylin would get into EVERYTHING. They ruined most of my make up and ground it into the carpet. They covered themselves in my lotions and soaps. Kaylin colored on multiple walls. And they weren't listening to me at all.
By mid February I was crying regularly and yelling at my kids daily. By the end of February I was crying and yelling at Mike. Anything that upset me caused me to be angry with Mike. If my kids were difficult and out of control I was angry with Mike. If someone hurt me, I was angry with Mike. The more time that went by the more I cried, the more I yelled, and the angrier I got with Mike. By March, just looking at Mike made me angry. I was miserable and I hated my life. I wanted to escape somehow. I dreaded each day.
By May, I went to see my Dr and told him that I thought I might be experiencing some post partum. He put me on Prozac and Xanax, and when I told him how angry I was with my husband he put a rush on an authorization to get me in to see a psychiatrist. I had never seen a psychiatrist before so it was a new experience for me. He asked me why I was there. I told him "Because I think something is wrong with me. I have always loved my husband, but I can't look at him anymore without feeling hate and anger." The psychiatrist changed my meds to Zoloft and Activan. I used to fear the thought of losing him, but all of a sudden I no longer cared if we were together or not. I started sleeping on the sofa and suggesting that he leave me. And through it all I cried and cried. I started resenting my children and just wanted to die. The only thing that kept me from hurting myself was my children. I was so mixed up.
By August I was having multiple dizzy spells a day and taking 3 or 4 Activan a day, but crying even more and feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. So the Dr changed my meds to Lexapro. Now that stuff made me crazy. I was screaming at my kids and screaming at my husband. I wanted a divorce. The more I screamed at these people that deep down I knew I loved, the worse I felt. Every day was a chore to get through. In July we had moved in with a couple that I have known all my life and she has always been like an aunt to me. Mike had lost another job due to budget cuts and we couldn't support ourselves. Our bills weren't being paid. Mike was stressed over money. And I was...............crazy. I couldn't hurt myself because of my kids but I wanted to just not be alive anymore. I started taking diet pills again. And I was screaming mean hurtful things at my poor husband, who no matter what didn't deserve such hate and anger. I just couldn't shake the feelings of being sad and hating my life. I felt like I was drowning and there didn't seem to be anything I could do. I didn't have any energy. I wasn't motivated. I couldn't bring myself to do anything productive. All I wanted to do was cry. It caused tension in the house with the couple we live with. The more I sensed they were unhappy with us and me, the more depressed I got, and the more I cried. I felt all the more alone, because I was distant and angry with my husband, my friendships seemed to no longer exist so much, and there was so much tension with the one woman who has always been there for me and has meant almost as much to me as my grandma did. I started hoping I would have some kind of break down and put in a hospital (for those of you who know me well know how much I hate hospitals!). All I wanted to do was be left alone to sleep and cry.
By Novemeber the Dr changed my meds back to Prozac and Xanax. By December I was starting to have desires again, and I started to care more. I started to want to be more positive. I wasn't crying as much and I seemed to have a handle on my anxiety a little bit better. By January 2010 I am not yelling at my kids so much, we use a sticker chart system now. We are back on a schedule. I'm not yelling at my husaband, and I am so grateful he didn't leave me. I love him so much. I enjoy being with him again, I enjoy cuddling with him again. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want to ever experience it. He's a good man and wonderful father. And I am so thankful that he stuck by me through this past year. It makes me love him so much more. And it makes me so grateful to my heavenly Father who watched out for me in that dark time and somehow kept my husband with me.
Post partum is real, and it can be scary. This past year was so scary for me. I felt so out of control and so lost. And now that I am feeling better I can look back and see that time for what it was. I am trying to be a better mother, and wife, and friend. Hopefully I am. I just want to give some insight to those of you who have seen the change in me this past year. I hope you can now see that I am on my way back to being the real me.
Steph, I want to thank you for being the only friend who saw that I was drowning and needed someone. I want to thank you for loving me enough to not desert me when I needed someone. I love you. Where would I be without you?
5 comments:
Wow Miss Kathy! I am so glad you got through your hard time. I agree that it can be quite crazy with three kids, and I wonder sometimes how I do it without breaking down.
PS, thank goodness for good friends... those who know you, and know when something is really wrong!
That is great that you wrote all of that down. I think it may help a lot of people recognize some of the signs associated with post partum depression.
So sorry that you had to go through all of that. It sounds horrible! It sounds suffocating. Bless your heart. Bless your husband's heart. Thank goodness you were able to find something to help you get your "old" self back!
What struck me the most is how mom's feel guilt so often and how having that depression must have increased those guilty feelings so much more. That would be so tough on any mom.
Thanks for sharing something so personal. You are a strong woman and a very very GOOD MOM!
Hang in there Kathy! I am glad you are feeling better.
You are very brave for posting something so personal. I know how much you love your family and watching you struggle this past year was extremely hard. I knew that the 2009 Kathy was not you, but I had no idea how to help. I'm just happy that you are in control of you again and I see a HUGE change, reminicent of the Kathy that I met so many years ago! Thanks for being strong and not giving up!!!
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